Level Up!

The entire city of Telavi seems to be under construction or renovation of one form or another.  And Georgian construction safety standards are… well, they’re not like American safety standards.  I’m not sure they exist at all, to tell the truth.  This is why – I realized the other day – I am now living in a video game.

Call of Duty XV: Telavi

Before I leave the house, I have to armour myself with my magical shoes of +5 Agility and make sure my potion bottles are filled so I can top up my HP when it starts to run low.  I have my pocket Georgian dictionary as a defensive and possible offensive weapon, in case I need to interact with the local NPCs or ward off attacks from creepy construction guys.  My quest most days is to find internet and electricity somewhere in the city. 

You can tell they're magical because they have stars on them!

From the top of the street, everything looks quiet and peaceful.

The neighbours haven't noticed any problems

The first challenge comes at the bottom of the street, where they are digging up the water main.  This right here is why I don’t have running water or electricity.  There is no sign at the top of the street that the road is impassable; even the police don’t seem to realize it.  In the evenings, I sometimes sit outside and time how long it takes cars to realize their mistake and turn around in the narrow street.  So far, the record is a full-size tour bus, as big as a Greyhound.

Road closed due to no longer existing

After I’ve scaled the giant pile of rubble at the bottom of the street, I have to find the only safe path through the mess that is the rest of the street.  It’s liable to shift and change at any time.  If I look very carefully, I can just make out the letters I…E…H…O…V… and so on in the rocks.  Sometimes, I can ask the Old Lady NPC which way is best.  With my pocket dictionary and the correct combination of syllables, I might be able to get some help at this stage.

Bodishi, kalbat'ono. Sahd midikhart?

The wires on the ground are live, by the way.  That’s why I only have electricity maybe once or twice a week.  If I’m lucky. 

At this stage, I also have to get past the gauntlet of Georgian construction workers.  Whenever I walk by, they all stop what they’re doing and stare at me, regardless of what I wear or how I walk.  For some of them, I am the first foreigner they’ve ever seen in person.  I’m too tall to pass as Georgian.  If I time it right, I might run into another NPC at this stage.  Sometimes a neighbour, sometimes Bebia.  The neighbour NPCs like to say Hello and Gamardjoba and ask where I am going, then tell all the others around who I am and what I am doing in Telavi.  If this happens, the construction workers will generally go back to work and pretend they weren’t staring. 

The Level Boss is the Bulldozer.  Bulldozer blocks the entire street, and I just have to figure out how to get past him.  I can either wait for someone else to catch his eye, or I can wave my hands and shout.  Eventually, Bulldozer might stop for a second, giving me just enough time to scramble over the pile of rubble he’s just created and try to remember how to say Thank You in Georgian.

Didi gmadlobat!

After defeating Bulldozer, I have to stop and drink my potion to replenish my HP.

Clearly magical, even if it doesn't have stars on it.

You can tell the construction workers aren’t human because they don’t wear any protective armour.  Pickaxes and welding torches inches but flip-flops and no shirts.  Clearly, these guys are some kind of cyborg. 

At long last, I reach my destination: The Ministry of Science and Education of Georgia.  It looks like this on the outside. 

Inside, I am greeted by this sign, which looks all official and serious.  The literal translation of the Georgian is: “Sorry, Kathleen.  Your electricity is in another office.”

Of course that's what it says.  That stuff in English underneath is totally unrelated.

Around behind the Gamgeorba, I meet the Final Boss, Backhoe.  Unlike Bulldozer, Backhoe does not stop.  Ever.  In a desperate feat of daring and skill, I have to wait until he’s lifted whatever he wants to lift from the heaps of rocks and dirt.  While he’s distracted, with his hoe in the air, I run underneath with my arms over my head to shield myself from the debris raining down. 

Level Up! (insert happy sound effects here)

There is one final, yawning chasm, and then I arrive.  Oh, what blessed relief comes at the sight of that sign!  Here in this oasis of peaceful tranquillity and English words, I can find electricity, Internet, a cup of coffee, and a Georgian girl who will tell me where to buy sugar and power cords in Telavi. 

Game Won!

Crap, I have to do it all again in reverse to go home…